We Like Big Butts
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We all know an every-day-is-arm-day guy. Those guys are generally not bike guys because every weight-obsessed cyclist knows big arms are nothing more than heavy and unnecessary appendages slowing you down. You might as well sling a couple of beef tenderloins around your neck for all the good they'll do. While most people tend to favor the classic "ice cream cone" physique (broad shoulders, tapering to a slim waist and butt), the perfect cyclist physique is considered to be more "tyrannosaurus rex" (large, thunderous thighs and butt, tapering to the upper body of a small child). These unique proportions are ideal for cycling but can make finding pants a bit of a chore.
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Your Next RideWe Stay Inside the Entire Month of July
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For many road cyclists, the month of July is like Christmas, Hannukah and Ramadan (but with snacks) all rolled into one. For twenty-one glorious days, The Tour de France snakes its way through the picturesque roads of Europe. Before the proliferation of specialty sports channels, PVRs and online streaming, unless you lived in somewhere like, say, France, you were considered pretty lucky to get TV coverage of the race. And if you did, it probably aired at 10 a.m., requiring you to come up with 21 reasons to disappear for three hours every morning from your job. During these sacred three weeks, any and all conversation with a cyclist inevitably leads to the Tour. "Oh, your Grandmother broke her hip? How awful. Did you hear Alberto Contador broke his femur and still finished the stage? So badass, right?" Consider yourself warned.
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Your Next RideWe Meticulously Plan to Go Precisely Nowhere
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It's Friday night. For days you've been preparing for tomorrow's big outing. You have meticulously planned your route and programmed it into your GPS—and into your phone, just in case. Your clothes are carefully laid out on the bed, with plenty of extra layers in case the weather turns bad. You've checked the wind direction, weather forecast, loaded up with snacks, fluids and tools in the event you have mechanical problems.
Morning comes early, and you are up alone in the dark while your family sleeps soundly. You dress, eat, poop and after checking your gear once more for good measure, you get into your car and drive in circles for four hours and then come home. As ridiculous as it sounds for normal people, swap the car for a bike and this is precisely how most weekends look for cyclists. Runners do this too, but we aren't about to pretend runners are normal people either.
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Your Next RideWe Keep Food in the Same Pocket as Inner Tubes
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There are reasons most people don't leave their dirty socks on the kitchen counter or store oily rags in the refrigerator. Those with common sense know there are just some things that should not live close to each other. Even if there is no direct contact, you can bet some of those disgusting dirty sock molecules are making their way onto your fork and into your mouth as surely as if you had stuffed it in there yourself. The jersey pockets of a cyclist holds all matter of tools and supplies one might need while out on a ride or race. At the start, we meticulously pack things according to size, weight and category to avoid confusion and cross contamination. By the end of the ride, our pockets are a mess of tools, inner tubes and levers, all caked together with gooey half-eaten snacks that have somehow escaped their crumpled wrappers. In this depository of bacteria, you will also likely find a sweaty pair of arm warmers covered in snot. While such filthy practices would never be tolerated in our "normal" lives, cyclists find this perfectly normal thank you very much.
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Your Next RideWe Blow Snot Rockets
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Before becoming a cyclist, the sight of someone pressing their finger against their nose and expelling a massive glob of mucus from their head was enough to make me gag in disgust. Civilized people just DON'T DO THAT. I have since learned that what passes for barnyard behavior in normal society is de rigueur in cycling circles. As the quickest, safest and more efficient way to clear one's nasal passages during rigorous activity, blowing snot rockets is not only acceptable but common among both men and women—assuming it's done with correct technique and etiquette. It is essential to clear one's nostrils only when at the back of the group, with no one beside or behind you. In some cases, it may even be necessary to soft pedal and drop back a bit to get a clear shot. Done correctly, the offending blockage will be expelled neatly, with little to no spray or shrapnel. An incorrect execution will make you look like a toddler with a sinus infection.
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Your Next RideWe Lie About Buying Bikes
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Several years ago, a friend of mine bought a very expensive bike without consulting his wife. Anticipating her inevitable irrational reaction in which she reminds him that large purchases effecting their ability to pay the mortgage should be done as a couple... Yada yada yada. He cleverly hid the bike for several weeks out of sight in the garage where it gathered just enough dust that one might think it wasn't brand spanking new. My friend had been sure to buy something that looked similar to an older bike he had, thinking his wife wouldn't notice the difference. But she did notice, which required some pretty fancy footwork on his part, let me tell you. Less extreme is the practice of lying to family or non-cyclists about how many bikes we have—the real number shared only with other cyclists, along with what we are planning to buy next.
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Your Next RideWe Shave Our Legs to Make Us Faster
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Most girls are told from a very young age that it's our duty to meticulously shave ourselves, lest the world discover the ghastly truth that women have body hair. For men however, leg shaving is not considered the norm. That is, unless you're a cyclist. Talk to 10 cyclists, and you will get 10 different reasons why they shave their legs. Some insist they shave to avoid infection in the event of a crash (because your own body hair surely harbours more filth and bacteria than city pavement). Others shave to facilitate the application of sunscreen or the soothing hands of their 300-pound Ukrainian masseuse. Many insist it adds aerodynamic advantage and makes them faster. I think for many, it is merely a nod to tradition—an homage to the hard men of the pro peloton who battled on the cobbles of Europe, dirty and bleeding, their legs covered in the telltale nicks of a hurried shave.
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Your Next RideWe Pay More for Less
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In my early days of cycling, a trip to the bike shop was as exciting as it was terrifying. I knew little to nothing about the mysterious bits and pieces of hardware and gear that lined the shelves, a fact I made abundantly clear with every purchase I made. One of my first purchases was a water bottle cage, or "that thingy you put on your bike to hold a water bottle." I carefully inspected the wall of cages, trying to determine what, besides color, differentiated them. After staring blankly at the wall for 20 minutes, I asked for help. Based on my described needs, the salesperson recommended a sensible, mid-range cage. I smiled and took it from him, thanking him for his help.
As soon as he walked away, I put it back, convinced I had been swindled. The cage he suggested was ridiculously light, probably made of cheap plastic and cost close to $20! There was a much sturdier, heavier metal one for less than half the price, which I smugly bought and installed, adding about four pounds of weight to my bike. I followed a similar logic for selecting my saddle, which was about the size of a small loveseat. It didn't take long for me to discover my error, and thanks to experience, research and the mentorship of others, I now understand the rule of inverse proportionality as it applies to the weight and cost of bicycles, their parts and their accessories.
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